During the last couple of years that i was in, i often went to sleep wanting to die, and was pissed off each morning i awoke. After i left i often 'cursed god' and waited to die. For many many years i expected to die by 40.
So it was that i came to terms with my mortality. By wanting to die for so long i think i may have short cut the shock of discovering that their is no paradise. I thus came to the conclusion that has served me well, that today is all we have, so make it a good one. Upon learning of so much that is wrong with the WBTS, i have no desire to live forever among such blind people anyway.
Do i want to die? NO. But i know i will one day. Even if it comes too soon, i know that i have been living my best years, my most loved years post JW.
Oz